“Go Fish, Go!” PanPastel and pencil.
————
Last week I talked with someone for over an hour. During the conversation, she asked about all the “positive energy” I put out there, and if I had always been such a positive person. (Not the exact words, but something like this.)
I had to laugh, as I don’t think of myself that way.
I spent almost all of my 30s and into my mid-40s struggling with clinical depression. I was the most unhappy person I knew!
Except when I wasn’t depressed, and then I was one of the happiest people I knew.
(These swings drove Steve to distraction, as you can imagine.)
But the thing is, I only can do my artwork when I’m in a good place emotionally. (I know that many people find doing art a therapeutic way to work their way through depression, but for me, I just can’t put pencil to paper when I’m crying or “down.”)
I’ve been in a much better place emotionally the past five years or so. I’ve tried to work my way through the depression in as many ways as possible — therapy, anti-depressents, thyroid diagnosis and treatment, and now, exercise — and it seems to be paying off. Yay!
But for some reason I felt the need to set the record straight on this: Life is hard, it’s not easy, and I don’t run around with joy overflowing every minute (and in some ways I wouldn’t want to — how annoying for everyone around me!). I’m a depressive currently in a remission of sorts and am grateful for each day that I wake up feeling good.
Today I feel good, and I’m grateful!
If you’ve made it through this surprisingly “deep” post, I wish you the very best today as we all struggle with this difficult and wonderful thing called life.
carlasonheim.wordpress.com 
your honesty is so appreciated!
Carla, bravo! MAY THE SUNSHINE ALWAYS FIND YOU, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO JUMP THE CLOUDS!
Me, too, Carla. Glad to have your wonderful, wry company in all of this.
A very honest post…I think all of us can identify with you xx
Love this Carla! You rock!!!
Carla, you have shown me the value of pencil — I just love your style. Since I have been trying to find my style for the past year, I gravitated toward pen and ink. Because of you I’m loving pencil. I think I want to get some of these pan pastels though. Your stuff is so cool.
Carla Thank you for your candour. It was a surprise to read about your emotional struggles but your art work does bring a joyful feeling when viewed. I do wish you the best and hope you can continue to create all your wonderful art!
really needed this!!! thank you for your transparency.
Great post Carla. Getting enough sunlight helps too.
thank you for being real.
Thank you so much! I am in my 40’s and just discovering that I actually have talent. Or maybe I always had talent and I am giving myself permission to believe it. Lots of insecurity prevented me from going forward.
Wow Carla. I knew I felt some sort of kinship with you. I too struggle with clinical depression and unfortunately only knew this about 15years ago after having struggled with that cloud my whole life without knowing what it was. Like you I have tried and am trying a variety of ways to cope and I have to say it is working. What I found interesting though is that I too cannot work when those states are too strong. I worked best when I am in a good place and when I am in a good place it is really a good place! Lets stay strong!
Depression is a mean friend, for me at least. Glad to know I am not the only one fighting it.
Thanks for all of your comments! 😀
I struggle as well. I try to have a few projects that have all the decisions made ready for those times. Then, I pull them out and do the work but don’t have to engage too hard. keeping the hands moving for me is very essential to finding the good days again.
Carla, one of the reasons I adore your art is that it is so easy to do. If I do a scribble drawing, it just cheers me right up. I can make it as down in the dumps as I am feeling, or I can give it a bit of a grin. Either way, the simpler techniques give me instant gratification. It is quite a gift you have given me (us all).
Depression is something that I never thought would happen to me and up until it smacked me in the face and knocked me out cold I didn’t understand what people with it were talking about.
I always saw it as being weak…I come from a line of British Stiff upper lip and French…when in doubt…SHOUT and wave your arms about. It’s one of those things that sneaks up on us and gets a grip before we know it. It’s a brave and courageous person that comes out the other end. In some ways it’s makes us very vulnerable and it also makes us so much stronger.
On a positive note… I see you as a happy person with a fantastic talent…who’s having fun and creating beautiful art and encouraging and empowering others to be creative too… 🙂 and that’s got to be good and something to really smile about. 😀 you make me smile ….cheeeeeeese 🙂 xx
I’m glad to know you – and thanks a lot for your honesty and being you and lifelike
Thanks for the honesty, Carla! I go up and down too. It’s what it is.
I am glad you have found a path that makes you happy.
thanks for sharing your story, you give me such hope and happiness through your art. it’s nice to know you are one of us. haha! i hope that makes sense. ❤
Lets just say I can feel your pain, its brave of you to put it out threes! I admire your artwork and technigue! Sending you happy thoughts!
Thank you
Too often in social media perceptions can be a little skewed. When I post on Facebook, for example, I’m usually posting about things that interest me or inspire me. I call it my “Facebook face,” and while it’s genuine, it’s a very limited view of who I am. Thanks for reminding us that as humans, we’re inherently complex and multi-faceted. Thank goodness for that!
Exactly! It’s only a small part of us that is shown in social media or the web – and that’s good.
I love your website banner. AND THE FISH – beautiful! But they remind me of Koi. Love it!
Diana
b4ustamp@yahoo.com
That was a very brave post to open youself up and talk openly about who you are and how you feel thank you for sharing keep up the wonderful work I love it and learn so much already working my way though your books thank you
You go girl…keep it real. Love those blobimals.
Love those fishies! And most of all, I love your post!!!!! Depression affects so many and as I said before to you, I also fight the little booger or big booger (depending on the day)! It also has been about 5 years that I have gotten a better grip on it through counseling and meds, plus having husband retired now from the military!
Well, enough of blabbing on about that, I just wanted to let you know I am so proud that you are not shy to tell people about your battle with the booger. So many people out there still hides the fact that they are in this battle with the booger too and it isn’t anything to be a shame of.
High five to you Carla!
Carla, As you can see from all the positive posts you have received, you are not alone with this Boogie Man. I see it in many of my talented friends, especially. Your emotions, good or bad, give you inspiration, and energy to create. You get thru the bad days, and that energizes you for the good ones! You give that energy to those of us who admire you. Love to you and your wonderful family.
What welcome clarity and honesty you show in this post, Carla. I’ve had my own struggles with depression, so I salute your resilience.Thanks for sharing your art — I think creative pursuits of all kinds can be tools for healing.
Thankyou for your honesty,I have been there and occasionally the black dog slinks out to howl at the moon , growl and steal my pleasure.I walk and love to dance in a wild out of controlway.bugger learning fancy steps.I have a room full of half finished and maybe’s,but right now I am feeling that I need space to create.This is good cos when I am down I dont see it.
This morning I have walked the dog( the cute ,silly family dog with big ears..also black), and pootled in the garden with the chickens. Such funny girls. Warm wishes to you Carla xxoxx
Your art shows a wisdom in knowing many sides of human nature and bravely living them as they are. Gratitude is the well deserved joy I see in your work.
Hi Carla, I must admit I don’t see you as unhappy. I think it is very brave that you are sharing your feelings and talking about depression. I am really sorry that you can’t connect with your art when your depressed. It is therapy for so many, that just doesn’t seem fair. Exercise was instrumental in helping me with menopausal issues more than any drug. Even if you don’t loose weight, you get toned and feel stronger and have more energy, a win, win.
Love your art so much and your drawing lab book continues to inspire me.
hugs Patti
Carla I did not know that you ever would be depressed as happy as you always seem. I have been depressed for so long not only from a disability but major life changes that have continued over the past five years. I am trying to get my passion for creativity back and almost always fail but I will not give up trying. You are a wonderful artist and teacher and if anyone can help me, it will be you. alena
Thanks for setting the record straight. I like your description–depressive in remission. Yep, I feel you. Thanks for your honesty!
A wilderness experience;
the place that finds character strengths
as trials endure seemly endless.
As we are molded into someone
who has the heart of a Secretariat;
this one’s name would be Carla.
She has found her promised land
thru personnel victories
into a public platform;
saying thru her art ,
we can make it too.
Thanks for that Carla. Your not alone in that struggle.
Thank you for your honestly story. I have still creative therapy , allthought it’s now stopped because of my recovering of my fifth whiplash.
so i can’t travel to that place.
It’s helping me, and allthought i become in a quickly way more and more disabled i know i have my art and my own creative brains to find new solutions.
I’m totely agreed with your story. Live can be hard, but we must make the best of it with our own talents.
My hubby was deeply depressed in the last 15 years of his life. It wasn’t always fun to stand all his moods but i really loved him, it was hard for us both, but our connection and bonding was our art.;-D
Creative, art , crafting is helping to stand all the hard times. You’re right.
thank you for your wise true words;-D
Thanks for sharing Carla! I am a depressive by nature also, and it always seems to shock people when I share this because they see me as a happy person. My depression isn’t as bad as some, but when I find myself in a rut, I definitely have a hard time shaking it- and art doesn’t always help. I’ll pick up my markers and just stare at the blank page (or even a WIP), and the creativity doesn’t flow because I’m so burdened by other matters.
It’s comforting to hear that other artists go through this too. Sometimes we readers get caught up in the “their life is perfect!” notion about our bloggers. I hope the happy days keep rolling in for you!
Honesty is somewhat lacking in blog-land. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I have a child with severe autism and life is no picnic either. It’s like going through the stages of grief every day – hopes and dreams you had for your new baby boy are quickly squashed and everything you see other 10 year olds doing and striving for are things you know your child can never achieve. Always setting new goals for you and your family are the best therapy. And yes, I also find comfort in my art and exercise. Thanks again Carla! xx
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with others and for being open about the struggles with depression. I strongly believe that the more people who are respected by others are willing to share these challenges, the further we get in reducing the stigma. Thank you. Your work is so much fun and whimsical we forget that everyone has their ups and down s.
I’d just finished a text message to a friend about the emotional roller coaster of our lives when I read this post. Good timing – thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know I’m not alone out there in the “can’t create if I’m not in a good mood”; the ups & downs (I could paste your post into my own blog – just swap out Steve/Scott).
Sometimes knowing that other women are going through the same thing is a great encouragement.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. Life isn’t easy but your artwork and online art classes help me “smile” on my dark days. Nice to know that we have ART to help us with LIFE.
Thank you for this post Carla! I go through the same. For me creativity and art does not help me pull through the bad times but I beleive it surely prolongs and enriches the good times. So thank you also for spuring my creativity! All the best!
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Thank you, Carla. I find that I need to have my ‘black dog’ taken care of before i can do anything creative. I would give you a big hug if I was close.
Dear Carla, it is so good of you to share this with us. In a few days I wil be 62 and only the last 5 years I am in remission as you so well put it. Thanks to the little white pills and the Mindfulfulness therapy. A lot of things make me happy but sometimes this black hole fils me up and everything goes dark. It frightens me every time. But your beautiful, inspirational and funny art makes me smile, always. Lots of hugs
Wow! Thanks for being so real in this post Carla. You could have been describing me! In fact, when I asked my husband if I could take some more art classes, he said, “only if you are actually going to do something with them.” I felt crushed at first. It is true. I should do art every day. Yes, I do find it good therapy. It takes my mind off of all the depressing stuff. But it is hard to get started each day when I am not emotionally ready just like you mentioned. It is hard to be consistent with all the daily things that happen. I believe that some of us are highly sensitive which makes us creative and artistic as we observe the world around us. But that sensitivity can also wear us down emotionally. I wonder sometimes if people who are consistent in art just have a totally different personality. Maybe they don’t have much drama in their lives. I can think back to those good days when not much was happening and my life had so much less responsibility. It was a lot easier to draw and paint then. And it was so much easier when I wasn’t going through menopause….LOL!
I just wanted to say three things:
1) I hear you
2) thank you for this sharing this &
3) you are not alone
Kxx